Yesterday I unexpectedly found myself the owner of The McSweeney's Joke Book of Book Jokes. While avoiding my thesis I decided to attempt a story based on a cheesy prompt found in one of the segments. The resulting story can be found below. Enjoy!
~Brown-eyed girl
Prompt: #11. write a short story in which one character reduces another to uncontrollable sobs without touching him or speaking.
Evelyn smiled. Brett would be home soon, the cad. He didn’t know she knew about his latest indiscretion, the one involving the yoga instructor from his gym. She had thought long and hard about the proper way to punish him, until at 4:20 a.m.when she had suddenly found the most brilliant idea ever –she would punish him by saying nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Brett’s Mercedes pulled into the drive; he parked the sleek black sports car and approached the house. He was holding roses, and a bottle of what she assumed was wine. Apparently he guessed she knew…she wondered what had given her away, she had been completely normal when they spoke on the phone that morning –when he called to say a late work meeting had kept him from making it home the night before.
Work meeting. She snorted derisively over the mashed potatoes she was making. As if she’d believe that excuse again. Brett entered the kitchen, and offered her the flowers with a shrug.
“Here. I figured you were past due for something out of the ordinary.” He said offhandedly.
Evelyn was outwardly silent, but inside she was a seething beast of rage. Out-of-the-ordinary would be him not sneaking around with other women.
“Why won’t you take them? Aren’t lilies still your favorite flowers?” He asked. Offering them to her again.
She shrugged, and took the bouquet, careful not to touch Brett’s hand as she did so. Evelyn set the flowers into a cut-glass vase she took down from a shelf, added warm water, then walked over and set them just off center in the middle of the dining room table.
“Sorry again about that meeting; couldn’t get out of it. Upper-level stuff you know.” Brett’s voice sounded slightly concerned.
Evelyn smiled coolly, stirred the potatoes and turned up the heat on the corn.
She was taking the dinner rolls out of the oven when he walked up behind her. She spun quickly around, holding the hot pan in front of her.
“Woah…honey that’s hot!” said Brett, narrowly avoiding the pan.
She nodded, and dumped the rolls into a basket. Evelyn then proceeded to set the rest of the food into various platters and trays, ferrying it quickly to the table. She took the bottle of wine he had brought with him and two glasses in last. Setting them down by the head of the table with a thump, she looked at him and motioned to the corkscrew already at his place.
“Okay Evy, sure I’ll open the wine.” He said, sounding a little unsure.
She stepped out of his reach and walked to her own seat, at the far end of the large table, as he poured.
“Here you go honey,” he said, walking toward her with a glass of California red.
She pointed at the table in front of her then got up and walked back to the kitchen. She came back carrying a pot roast, already cut into pieces.
She calmly set a large portion on Brett’s plate, then did the same for her own and set the roast down on the table.
“Evelyn, honey? Are you just going to not talk to me for some reason tonight?” Brett sounded both annoyed and a little miserable.
Good, she thought. He should feel miserable for once.
She didn’t bother to respond at all to his question, but began eating her dinner instead. After a brief pause Brett picked up his fork and began to eat too.
About three minutes of total silence later, he started to talk nervously.
“This is really great Evy, I was just craving your pot roast the other day. It’s like you’re a mind reader.”
Silence emanated from the opposite end of the table.
“And these potatoes, they’re just perfect. I love how you get them so smooth every time.”
She put her fork down and took a drink, staring at him with expressionless eyes while she did so.
“Wow, that dress you have on tonight is a really something. It brings out the blue in your eyes. Is it new?”
She shrugged, and continued her meal.
“So, I was thinking maybe we could take a long weekend sometime soon, I’ve been working so hard on the merger and you’ve been busy with your design work, we’re overdue for a break. You think maybe we could go to the Florida Keys, or the Bahamas in a couple weeks?”
She blinked twice, then got up and took her plate to the kitchen.
“Baby? Don’t you think a nice, relaxing mini-vacation with sun, sand, and umbrella drinks would be fun?” Brett was really starting to get anxious. Evelyn had been mad at him before, but normally she screamed some, threw something of his out the second story onto the driveway, then got over it. If not, he bought her a car or a new piece of jewelry and she got over it. He had never, ever been greeted with silence before. And never, ever for this amount of time.
Evelyn came back and cleared dinner from the table, then brought in a large chocolate cake.
She set it down in the center of the table, then brought in a tray with coffee.
“You made cake too?” Brett asked in an incredulous tone. “Honey you really went to town tonight, any reason for all this?”
She set a large piece of cake in front of him, followed by a steaming cup of coffee.
“You know Evy, you really didn’t need to do all this, I mean I’m not complaining, it’s fantastic…but…it really is above and beyond…”
She sat down and began to attack her cake with a fork. Brett tried to appear as calm as his wife, but she was like ice, and he was sweating. He couldn’t figure out if she knew about Sally or not. Surely if she knew she would be yelling, or…would she? He wasn’t sure. The silence was killing him. He hated the absence of noise…he’d rather be yelled at.
Evelyn watched him like a cat watches a cornered mouse. She realized he was almost at the breaking point. However, she was unsure what he would do once broken, would he admit to the affair, or deny it and rant that she wasn’t speaking…or…what?
About a half hour later, when she had cleared the table of all but the remainder of the coffee, and he had used up all the compliments he could think of and ran out of words, she got her answer.
“Honey, honey you really gotta talk to me. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what I did to deserve the silent treatment.”
She stirred her coffee.
“Alright, Evelyn I need to tell you something…but, don’t get mad alright…okay baby?” Brett was sweating profusely now, he was out of options. He had to tell her the truth…because he couldn’t deal with this silent person sitting opposite him any longer.
She shrugged and toyed with the knife she’d used to cut the cake.
“Okay, I’m just going to say this fast and get it over with. I’ve been seeing my yoga instructor’s therapist. She went with me the first couple of times, but just as moral support. I wasn’t having an affair. I was getting help. I didn’t come home last night because I was having an overnight session, the clinic was monitoring my sleep patterns and REM cycles. The doctor thinks maybe I’ve got an imbalance that makes me..less than honest sometimes…”
Evelyn picked up the knife. Slowly. She stared at him over the lilies he’d bought her. Then…she sliced them off the stems and sat back down.
“Okay, okay, I was sleeping with my yoga instructor. There, I said it. Can you please just yell at me, and let me buy you a new Lexus so we can move on?” His voice began to crack…
“What else do you want from me? I admitted it. I’m an idiot. A repeated idiot..I…there….were….others…” And Brett began to recite all of the various and sundry women he’d messed with during his 15 year marriage to Evelyn. But what Brett didn’t know, was that this was Evelyn’s plan from the get-go. Her prenuptial agreement would not let her divorce Brett without his admission of guilt, something he had so far avoided doing. All she needed was proof of his wrong-doing to walk away with millions.
Brett came to the end of the list, then….he began to cry.
“Ev-ev-evylyn….. I-I-I’m sorry honey. I’m so sorry…I just…I can’t help it. I really love you, and only you…I just…I just get bored…I just…I don’t know….What can I do to fix it?”
Evelyn stood up. Handed the brokenly-sobbing Brett a box of Kleenex, and a manila envelope with her attorney’s number then walked to the bookshelves behind her, and turned off the camera. And then Evelyn smiled.
© 2010 Ananda M. Boardman
~Brown-eyed girl
Prompt: #11. write a short story in which one character reduces another to uncontrollable sobs without touching him or speaking.
Evelyn smiled. Brett would be home soon, the cad. He didn’t know she knew about his latest indiscretion, the one involving the yoga instructor from his gym. She had thought long and hard about the proper way to punish him, until at 4:20 a.m.when she had suddenly found the most brilliant idea ever –she would punish him by saying nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Brett’s Mercedes pulled into the drive; he parked the sleek black sports car and approached the house. He was holding roses, and a bottle of what she assumed was wine. Apparently he guessed she knew…she wondered what had given her away, she had been completely normal when they spoke on the phone that morning –when he called to say a late work meeting had kept him from making it home the night before.
Work meeting. She snorted derisively over the mashed potatoes she was making. As if she’d believe that excuse again. Brett entered the kitchen, and offered her the flowers with a shrug.
“Here. I figured you were past due for something out of the ordinary.” He said offhandedly.
Evelyn was outwardly silent, but inside she was a seething beast of rage. Out-of-the-ordinary would be him not sneaking around with other women.
“Why won’t you take them? Aren’t lilies still your favorite flowers?” He asked. Offering them to her again.
She shrugged, and took the bouquet, careful not to touch Brett’s hand as she did so. Evelyn set the flowers into a cut-glass vase she took down from a shelf, added warm water, then walked over and set them just off center in the middle of the dining room table.
“Sorry again about that meeting; couldn’t get out of it. Upper-level stuff you know.” Brett’s voice sounded slightly concerned.
Evelyn smiled coolly, stirred the potatoes and turned up the heat on the corn.
She was taking the dinner rolls out of the oven when he walked up behind her. She spun quickly around, holding the hot pan in front of her.
“Woah…honey that’s hot!” said Brett, narrowly avoiding the pan.
She nodded, and dumped the rolls into a basket. Evelyn then proceeded to set the rest of the food into various platters and trays, ferrying it quickly to the table. She took the bottle of wine he had brought with him and two glasses in last. Setting them down by the head of the table with a thump, she looked at him and motioned to the corkscrew already at his place.
“Okay Evy, sure I’ll open the wine.” He said, sounding a little unsure.
She stepped out of his reach and walked to her own seat, at the far end of the large table, as he poured.
“Here you go honey,” he said, walking toward her with a glass of California red.
She pointed at the table in front of her then got up and walked back to the kitchen. She came back carrying a pot roast, already cut into pieces.
She calmly set a large portion on Brett’s plate, then did the same for her own and set the roast down on the table.
“Evelyn, honey? Are you just going to not talk to me for some reason tonight?” Brett sounded both annoyed and a little miserable.
Good, she thought. He should feel miserable for once.
She didn’t bother to respond at all to his question, but began eating her dinner instead. After a brief pause Brett picked up his fork and began to eat too.
About three minutes of total silence later, he started to talk nervously.
“This is really great Evy, I was just craving your pot roast the other day. It’s like you’re a mind reader.”
Silence emanated from the opposite end of the table.
“And these potatoes, they’re just perfect. I love how you get them so smooth every time.”
She put her fork down and took a drink, staring at him with expressionless eyes while she did so.
“Wow, that dress you have on tonight is a really something. It brings out the blue in your eyes. Is it new?”
She shrugged, and continued her meal.
“So, I was thinking maybe we could take a long weekend sometime soon, I’ve been working so hard on the merger and you’ve been busy with your design work, we’re overdue for a break. You think maybe we could go to the Florida Keys, or the Bahamas in a couple weeks?”
She blinked twice, then got up and took her plate to the kitchen.
“Baby? Don’t you think a nice, relaxing mini-vacation with sun, sand, and umbrella drinks would be fun?” Brett was really starting to get anxious. Evelyn had been mad at him before, but normally she screamed some, threw something of his out the second story onto the driveway, then got over it. If not, he bought her a car or a new piece of jewelry and she got over it. He had never, ever been greeted with silence before. And never, ever for this amount of time.
Evelyn came back and cleared dinner from the table, then brought in a large chocolate cake.
She set it down in the center of the table, then brought in a tray with coffee.
“You made cake too?” Brett asked in an incredulous tone. “Honey you really went to town tonight, any reason for all this?”
She set a large piece of cake in front of him, followed by a steaming cup of coffee.
“You know Evy, you really didn’t need to do all this, I mean I’m not complaining, it’s fantastic…but…it really is above and beyond…”
She sat down and began to attack her cake with a fork. Brett tried to appear as calm as his wife, but she was like ice, and he was sweating. He couldn’t figure out if she knew about Sally or not. Surely if she knew she would be yelling, or…would she? He wasn’t sure. The silence was killing him. He hated the absence of noise…he’d rather be yelled at.
Evelyn watched him like a cat watches a cornered mouse. She realized he was almost at the breaking point. However, she was unsure what he would do once broken, would he admit to the affair, or deny it and rant that she wasn’t speaking…or…what?
About a half hour later, when she had cleared the table of all but the remainder of the coffee, and he had used up all the compliments he could think of and ran out of words, she got her answer.
“Honey, honey you really gotta talk to me. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what I did to deserve the silent treatment.”
She stirred her coffee.
“Alright, Evelyn I need to tell you something…but, don’t get mad alright…okay baby?” Brett was sweating profusely now, he was out of options. He had to tell her the truth…because he couldn’t deal with this silent person sitting opposite him any longer.
She shrugged and toyed with the knife she’d used to cut the cake.
“Okay, I’m just going to say this fast and get it over with. I’ve been seeing my yoga instructor’s therapist. She went with me the first couple of times, but just as moral support. I wasn’t having an affair. I was getting help. I didn’t come home last night because I was having an overnight session, the clinic was monitoring my sleep patterns and REM cycles. The doctor thinks maybe I’ve got an imbalance that makes me..less than honest sometimes…”
Evelyn picked up the knife. Slowly. She stared at him over the lilies he’d bought her. Then…she sliced them off the stems and sat back down.
“Okay, okay, I was sleeping with my yoga instructor. There, I said it. Can you please just yell at me, and let me buy you a new Lexus so we can move on?” His voice began to crack…
“What else do you want from me? I admitted it. I’m an idiot. A repeated idiot..I…there….were….others…” And Brett began to recite all of the various and sundry women he’d messed with during his 15 year marriage to Evelyn. But what Brett didn’t know, was that this was Evelyn’s plan from the get-go. Her prenuptial agreement would not let her divorce Brett without his admission of guilt, something he had so far avoided doing. All she needed was proof of his wrong-doing to walk away with millions.
Brett came to the end of the list, then….he began to cry.
“Ev-ev-evylyn….. I-I-I’m sorry honey. I’m so sorry…I just…I can’t help it. I really love you, and only you…I just…I just get bored…I just…I don’t know….What can I do to fix it?”
Evelyn stood up. Handed the brokenly-sobbing Brett a box of Kleenex, and a manila envelope with her attorney’s number then walked to the bookshelves behind her, and turned off the camera. And then Evelyn smiled.
© 2010 Ananda M. Boardman
You're a little too good at writing these...
ReplyDelete-Hug!- Love ya lots! Hang in there, see ya in a couple weeks.